April 19, 2025 I Forgive You, I Forgive Me

This is an extremely difficult and painful post, but a necessary part of my personal acceptance and healing. I've had a caring professional encourage me to do so, but I've put it off for too long.

First of all, I am not targeting any one person. My use of "you" is a general term. I do take responsibility for letting them make me feel the way I did, and it's taken me so long to come to terms with being happy to just be me, warts and all. So, here goes...

I forgive you for making me grow up too fast. Being the firstborn seemed to give so many license to make me more independent that I was truly ready to handle. I grew to be someone who never wanted to depend on anyone but myself. It caused me to push people away, instead of accepting help when it was offered, or affection I didn't feel I deserved. A shining example was a nun, who said when I was caught coming into the school lobby because I'd walked the 1/2 mile in the freezing cold, and wanted to get warm, that she felt I was more "mature" than to think I should break a rule.

I forgive you for making me feel my worth was to be measured by a number on the scale. Growing up in the 70's as a teen was miserable, with the likes of Twiggy setting the standard of beauty. Society set the expectations, and it was a powerful force. It was never about being healthy, just thin. I was once told "you could be Miss America if you'd just lose 20 pounds".  Another impossible standard that never appealed to me, mainly because the last thing I ever wanted was the kind of attention. I should have been beautiful just the way I was. Where was Ilona Maher when I needed her?!

The weight thing affected every part of my life; family, social, friends. Being measured next to my peers was intolerable. Being laughed at was humiliating. You'd have thought I was a corpulent troll, when I was going through a natural part of growing up, the adolescent pudge that disappeared in my 20's. On a lighter note, my sister always referred to it as "the six year ugly". 

I forgive you for the eyerolls and pained expressions when I sang. Yes, I saw it all. It was so hard to get up in front of people anyway, but add on the self-consciousness of my appearance, made it even harder. I think I covered it as well as I could, not showing the internal turmoil. As I mentioned in a previous post, I sang because I loved it, not because I particularly good at it. Every time it was a struggle.

I forgive you for not recognizing the pain of adolescence getting through High school. School from the start was all about survival. The pressure of feeling a failure made me settle for being just average because I never felt the need to succeed. That all changed when I went to college and was able to claim agency over myself. I graduated with honors.

I forgive you for not supporting my relationships. Dating was not a reality. First of all, I was SO awkward and uncomfortable with myself, why would anyone want to date me? My homecoming date as a sophomore was arranged by our mothers. A great thing came from that, however, we are friends still. I had a lot of guy friends, you know, I was a great "buddy", just not date material. So, when I was pursued by  the one who would end up being the love of my life, there was a lot of resistance. A break-up was the source of laughter. My emotions were mocked.

I forgive you for the unhappiness over my marriage, not because of my choice of spouse, but general reluctance to be a joyful part of my life.The fact that I was only 20 I understand was a concern. This is when my early onset independence reared its head. We celebrate 49 years of marriage this year. 

I forgive the fact that a pregnancy wasn't wanted for me, or supported when it finally happened. It rounded back to the weight thing, fearing I'd become a 200# bakery worker, or perpetuating a bad blood line.

And now, I forgive myself for allowing others' thoughts and actions to have such a profound effect. I am no longer angry that any of the above happened bacause I really love the person I've become. My coping mechanisms have become better and less harmful. No more drinking or starving. No more compulsive attachment to the scale. No more internal dialogue about my perceived shortcomings. Instead of resenting the past, I have culled out all the happiness with which I've been blessed.

Yes, there has been forgiveness, which makes the memories easier to put where they should be...in the past.

Thanks for your acceptance and tolerance.☘